[CH] Bread

Celeste or Dave Anderson (chilehed1@powernet.net)
Sat, 5 Dec 1998 17:31:15 +0000 

This message arrived at the same time as 2 pounds of Jim Campbell's 
Red Savina Habanero powder. I think it's time that someone re-posted 
the recipe for "THE BREAD". 

Hope you all enjoy this as much as I did.

Dave Anderson
Tough Love Chile Co.
http://www.tough-love.com

Recent research on bread (you thought it was an innocent food) has shown
some startling findings....

1.   More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2.   Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
      households score below average on standardized tests.

3.   In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
      the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
      infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
      in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
      influenza ravaged whole nations.

4.   More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
      24 hours of eating bread.

5.   Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
      proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
      suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than
      that in one month!

6.   Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
      incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
      osteoporosis.

7.   Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
      bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as
      little as two days.

8.   Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
      "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
      cold cuts.

9.   Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
       more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could
       lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
       product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 Degrees
Fahrenheit!  That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one
minute.

11.  Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
        between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
        babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:

1.   No sale of bread to minors.

2.   A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
spots and bumper stickers.

3.   A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
      ills we might associate with bread.

4.   No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
      appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5.   The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.