[CH] A chile tale

Angel Cooper (AMCooper@webtv.net)
Wed, 9 Aug 2000 07:30:25 -0400 (EDT) 

I received this from the source of my other hobby, cross stitch, and
thought that it s appropriate.  Funny how the two things "cross".

Angel

Chili Contest 
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was
visitingTexas: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because
no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted. 
Here are the scorecards from the event: 
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too
heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what the HELL is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. 
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili 
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front
of the beer line. 
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a
joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out
of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. 
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic 
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE
TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili. 
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste 
it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to
save me the run. 
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. 
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four 
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. 
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb. 
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. 
Noone seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. 
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili
with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes
as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress. 
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
wouldn't 
feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll
know what killed me. Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not
getting any oxygen anyway. 
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili 
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This
final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to
see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the
chili pot on top of himself. 
FRANK: -------   (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)