[CH] Funny Chili story

James Brown (jamesbrown104@hotmail.com)
Fri, 10 May 2002 23:18:21 +1000 

Im sure you might of seen this but it's funny tho :)

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. 
>It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes 
>are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas 
>from the East Coast:
>
>"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The 
>original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be 
>standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser 
>truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native 
>Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told 
>me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted".
>
>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1 A little too heavy 
>on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very 
>mild Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy **** , what the hell is this stuff? You could 
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames 
>out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of 
>pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more 
>peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of 
>children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to 
>wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had 
>to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
>Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent 
>firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless 
>chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've 
>located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. 
>Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. 
>Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone s in the front part of my 
>chest. I'm getting **** -faced from all of the beer.
>
>Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no 
>spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good 
>side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I 
>felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it 
>possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me 
>with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like 
>this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. 
>Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. 
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit 
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are 
>ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my 
>eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant 
>seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. 
>Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the 
>pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that 
>the other judges asked me to stop screaming.Screw those rednecks.
>
>Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold 
>vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- 
>The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 
>#3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric 
>flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the 
>chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She 
>must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe 
>my ass with a snow cone.
>
>Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili 
>with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if 
>the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I 
>should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a 
>bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put 
>a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost 
>sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My 
>shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants 
>are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, 
>they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too 
>painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll 
>just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, 
>this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its 
>existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither 
>mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed 
>out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if 
>he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really 
>hot chili.

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