[gardeners] zucchinis

Liz Albrook (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Thu, 9 Apr 1998 01:59:03 +0000

Margaret Lauterbach <gardeners@globalgarden.com> wrote:

> Are you going to plant zucchini this year Liz?  Chuck hasn't eaten
> all that's in the freezer, but I'm going to replant anyway.  Garden
> Writers of America Assn. wants to grow a million pounds of food for
> the hungry, and I think I might be able to do that all by myself,
> with the right seeds.  What do you think?  Margaret

I'm not planting diddly, or zucchinis, this year.  I'm debating
seeing if I can get the guvmint, under the American's Wif
Dissibilities Act to send out someone to plant a garden for me and
weed my flour beds.  So far, things are looking pretty good.  I
reckon they're gonna get here sometime about 2002 cause they're
moving at the usual guvmint speed.  You know, like that ad on TV
what says "What do you do when you have a medical emergency and the
nearest hospital is 2000 miles away plus it's outside your HMO? 
Build one!"  Yall know I was educated, if you can call it that, in
Mississippi and in the great state of Mississippi they define
"medical emergency" in such a way that precludes the building of a
hospital as a solution.  Of course, that might just be my
Mississippi education, if you can call it that, kicking in.  Anyhoo,
I spect Uncle Sam will  be around with a backhoe and a couple of
Constitutional Covenant type nephews to put in a garden any old
time.  I figure I'll be wearing about a size 10 by then.  (If you 
don't know what a Constitutional Covenant type is then you evidently 
weren't educated, if you can call it that, in Idaho.  That type of 
person believes that constitution grants him (and they are all hims) 
the right to blow your booty away if he feels like it or you happen 
to not be a Nazi.)

I ain't near as well informed on issues of gardening as you Gardening 
Writers but I reckon that one, maybe two, hills of zucchini costata 
(sp) romanesco and about 0.5 ounces of certified organic fertilizer 
(or triple 13) ought to produce at least a million pounds of zucchini 
if a couple of drops of water hit it.  If as many as 4 drops of water 
hit that hill you should get a million board-feet of zucchini and 
could loan George some for his new construction.

While we're on the subject, did I ever tell yall about Ray's good
friend Al from New Jersey who decided to raise zucchini at Ray's
Ranch?  Yes indeedy, that New Jersey boy couldn't wait to plow the
field.  Honestly, he didn't plow it.  Instead he double dug it.  I
know yall think I'm telling a lie but I swear that's the truth. I
always thought it was a lie when Ray told that story but I have
gotten Al drunk enough on two separate occasions for him to confirm
that he did in fact double dig a zucchini plot.  Anyway, not only did
Al double dig his zucchini patch but he collected up a pile of horse
manure and mixed that in.  Ray, kind soul that he is, didn't say a
thing to Al but started hanging out with Old Marion, the farmer who
lived across the way.  Old Marion was from Nawth CarLina but that's
another story.  Anyhoo, Old Marion and Ray took to sitting out front
drinking Pilsner Urquells and laughing at Al. (Ray didn't tell me
that part but Al, who still speaks to Ray, did.) 

Al tended that zucchini patch -- I understand it was about 10 feet by
10 feet -- with care, pulling weeds and watering it faithfully.  I
also understand that it was Al who invented the concept of dumping
zucchinis into unlocked cars parked at the Mall.  In fact, to hear
Ray and Al tell it, each morning Al would fill his pickem up truck
and spend the morning unloading zucchinis on anyone who couldn't run
faster than he could.  This adventure was repeated after lunch with
the crop that had come on during the morning.

Al spent a lot of time advising me last year when I grew those 
thighs.  Mine were bigger but at least I didn't plant a whole patch 
of them.

Please don't talk about zucchinis again.  I think I've now exhausted 
all my true stories and will have to delve into the area of fiction 
on the next occasion.  Heaven help us should that occur.


P.S.  I have it on good authority that it wasn't a bean stalk that 
Jack grew -- it was a climbing zucchini.