Re: [gardeners] Margaret's SAM Bugs

George Shirley (
Fri, 01 May 1998 15:05:08

You are one crazy lady Liz. ROTFLMAO

George, who used to be a weekend SAM

At 11:08 AM 5/1/98 +0000, you wrote:
>Margaret Lauterbach <> wrote:
>> Margaret, still smarting over one facetious, and one outlandish answer to
>> my query about what selectively defoliates wormwood then puts on its hiking
>> boots and hikes 40 feet to defoliate a volunteer sagebrush (A. tridentata).
>Since you've already gotten one facetious answer...
>My first thought was your problem was with the hitherto unsung Stone 
>Age Masochist Bug -- so named for it's habits and date of evolution.  
>The SAM Bug was first discovered on the campuses of some better known 
>universities in the early 1960's -- the true Stone Age of American 
>culture.  As you might guess, the SAM Bug of that era enjoyed nothing 
>quite so much as a toke on a doobie and was frequently found 
>reclining in groups of 5 or 6 on the campus green wearing bizarrely 
>bright clothing, listening to Jimi Hendrix and Doors albums that 
>only they could hear.
>The first large, defoliating collection of SAM Bugs was found in San 
>Francisco in the Haight-Ashbury district.  Up until that time the SAM 
>bug was known colloquially as the D*mn Stoners.  Upon congregating 
>and partaking of large numbers of tokes, then dropping bits of paper 
>with cartoon characters in their mouths, the DS Bugs discovered that 
>they liked to eat once a week, bathe once a month, and attempt to 
>create new DS Bugs.  These activities required the cooperation of 
>females.  DS Bugs were nearly all males.  It has taken entymologists 
>many years to unravel the mystery of what happened next.  
>These DS Bugs used their 4 and a half living braincells to give 
>tokes of doobie to future female SAM bugs.  They stoned those 
>gals.  After Stoning, those females believed that it was a Good Thing 
>(yes, that's where MS stole the phrase) to cook food, sorta keep 
>house and be Mom and Lover to the DS Bugs.  That's the "what" side of 
>the story.  The "Why" is still under investigation by historical 
>entymologists.  At any rate, soon hovels arose across the country in 
>which the new female DS Bugs demostrated their inherit masochism 
>while feeding and otherwise kowtowing to the lazy, dirty male DS 
>Bugs.  In the words of one male DS bugs "We were Kings in those 
>days".  It is the actions of these females that put the Masochist 
>in the more correct term Stone Age Masochist Bugs.
>Now you know the enemy.  There is an obvious explanation to what 
>happened to your shrubs.  It almost embarrasses me to point it out.
>You artemesia was defoliated by a deliberate attempt of SAM Bugs to 
>get high.  This might have been inspired by a showing of 
>Tolouse-Latrec prints in the state Art Gallery and by the absence of 
>absinthe.  Invigorated by the consumption of your artemesia and it's 
>effects, the SAM Bugs wandered around your yard looking at all the 
>pretty, shiny colors while saying "Hey, Man"  and "Cool".  After a 
>while the SAMs realized they were hungry but, lucky, were sitting 
>right next to what they believed, in their stoned condition, was a 
>large pizza and pitcher of beer.  They sat down to a righteous meal 
>of pepperoni and Bud.  Unfortunately for you and your sagebrush, they 
>were very stoned and didn't realize that it was a sagebrush rather 
>than a a pizza with extra oregano.  Unfortunately for them, and the 
>reason that you have not had any more attacks, is that large 
>quantities of sagebrush are a real downer.
>My advice is to go out there and stomp around on the ground near your 
>sagebrush.  SAM bugs are notoriously lazy and probably didn't wander 
>far so you should be able to squash them all.  If you are concerned 
>that you might not have gotten them all, go sit upon the ground and 
>read Kafka to them.  It'll bore them to death and they'll be so busy 
>saying "cool" they won't even notice the danger.  Plus, it's an 
>organic remedy.