[gardeners] OT - Martha humor
margaret lauterbach (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Sat, 30 Oct 1999 08:46:15 -0600
Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December
2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine. December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine
Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration. December 7
Debug Windows '98.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in
gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the
Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive touch to the pasture. December 21 Drain
city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon
sticks. December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son.
Swaddle. Lay in colour co-ordinated manger scented with home-made
potpourri. December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum. December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that
country.