[gardeners] OT - Martha humor

margaret lauterbach (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Sat, 30 Oct 1999 08:46:15 -0600

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar 
  December 1 
  Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.   December
  Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.   December 3 
  Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.   December 4   Repaint Sistine
Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.   December 5 
  Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.   December 6 
  Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.   December 7 
 Debug Windows '98.
  December 10 
  Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.   December 11 
 Lay Faberge egg.
  December 12
 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
  December 13 
  Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.   December 14  Install plumbing in
gingerbread house. 
  December 15 
  Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.   December 17   Child proof the
Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.   December 19 
  Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.   December 20
  Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive touch to the pasture.   December 21   Drain
city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon
sticks.   December 22 
 Float votive candles in toilet.
  December 23
 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
  December 24 
  Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.   December 25   Bear son.
Swaddle. Lay in colour co-ordinated manger scented with home-made
potpourri.   December 26 
  Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.   December 27 
 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.   December 31 
  New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that