[gardeners] OT - Another version of How to Give a cat a pill, some may
Margaret Lauterbach (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Wed, 01 Nov 2000 15:15:20 -0700
>Think this one is different and funnier...
>
> Subject: How to give pills to cats and dogs
>
> 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
> a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
> mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
> hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
> and swallow.
>
>2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
>left arm and repeat process.
>
>3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
>
>4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
>paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
>mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
>
>5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
>wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
>
>6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
>rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
>firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
>down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>
>7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
>note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
>figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
>
>8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
>just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
>mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>
>9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
>to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
>from carpet with cold water and soap.
>
>10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
>beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
>showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
>with elastic band.
>
>11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
>hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
>cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
>jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
>another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
>
>12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
>road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
>cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
>
>13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
>and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
>gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
>steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
>water down throat to wash pill down.
>
> 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
>emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
>removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
>order new table.
>
>15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local
>pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
>
> HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
>
> 1) Wrap it in bacon.
>