[gardeners] OT - Another version of How to Give a cat a pill, some may

Margaret Lauterbach (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Wed, 01 Nov 2000 15:15:20 -0700

>Think this one is different and funnier...
>  Subject: How to give pills to cats and dogs
>  1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
>  a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's 
> mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right 
> hand.  As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth 
> and swallow.
>2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.   Cradle cat in
>left arm and repeat process.
>3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
>4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
>paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of 
>mouth with right forefinger.   Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
>5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of 
>wardrobe.  Call   spouse from garden.
>6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front  and 
>rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head 
>firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill 
>down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make 
>note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered 
>figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
>8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
>just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force 
>mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
>to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood 
>from carpet with cold water and soap.
>10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another 
>beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head 
>showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat 
>with elastic band.
>11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
>hinges.   Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply 
>cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus 
>jab.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back
>another shot.  Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
>12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
>road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid 
>cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
>13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
>and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning 
>gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet 
>steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
>water down throat to wash pill down.
>  14) Consume remainder of Scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the
>emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and 
>removes pill remnants from right eye.   Call furniture shop on way home to 
>order new table.
>15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local
>pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
>  1) Wrap it in bacon.