[gardeners] OT: Travel Advice for Crawford, TX

Shirley,George (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Tue, 30 Jan 2001 08:00:24 -0600

My son sent me this one this morning and it tickled me so here's something for
all you Yanqui's.

George, LOL
The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas, will soon be drawing a 
number of people to that area, including many who are not used to southern 
hospitality. They might find useful the following travel advice issued by 
the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Northerners and Northeastern 

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's 
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook 
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubby, Bobby Ray, 
Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick 
your ass.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 
7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can
lead to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you 
(e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and 
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or 
we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner 
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Dell computers). Naturally, we 
do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Duke, Barnes, 
Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough 
to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If 
someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to 
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up 
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you 
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. 
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your 
8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly 
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended--with 
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know 
better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, 
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it 
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets 
10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because 
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand 
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick 
your ass.
11. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR 
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic 
beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
12. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold 
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things 
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet 
little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass 
just like they did ours.
13. So you think we're 'quaint' or losers because most of us live in the 
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, 
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of 
our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.
14. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how 
to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). 
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, 
and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.