[gardeners] OT - "housekeeping"

Margaret Lauterbach (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Mon, 22 Apr 2002 07:33:37 -0600

>1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.  Say this with a serious
>face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
>2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.  Rename the
>area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological
>3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
>against harmful and aging rays from the sun.  Call it an SPF factor of 5
>and leave it alone.
>4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,
>thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.  If your husband points out that the
>light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What?  And
>spoil the mood?"
>5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
>magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
>Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability.  Roll your
>eyes when you say this.
>6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
>claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play
>animals for underprivileged children.
>7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room
>and close the door.  As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle
>the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our
>den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SOOOOO expensive."
>8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
>coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter
>her ashes..."
>9. Don't bother repainting.  Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with
>an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say,
>"Johnny did this when he was two.  I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
>10. Mix one quarter cup pine scented household cleaner with four cups of
>water in a spray bottle.  Mist the air lightly.  Leave dampened rags in
>conspicuous locations.  Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the
>couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."