[tomato] My Birthday Gift

Pete (Tomato@GlobalGarden.com)
Fri, 24 Mar 2000 09:16:47 -0500 

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For my Birthday this year, (April 10th) my wife Maria (the dear) purchased a
week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Since I am very
overweight and out of shape, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try. I called the club (Q Sports Club) and made my
reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as
a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me.
(She is something of a goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. WOO WOO!!!) Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.)
Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!!
It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets
this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in world would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?)
Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other crap too.

Thursday:

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half
hour late. It took that long for me to tie my fricking shoes.) Tawny took me
to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine... which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that WITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader wanna-be WITCH). If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to work
on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me fricking barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the  choir director?

Saturday:

Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to
use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.

Sunday:

I've found religion and so today I am going to thank God that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the WITCH) will choose a gift
for me that is fun...like a root canal or a prostatectomy.


Peter,  South Florida

Orchid@ispchannel.com
Videoman@ispchannel.com
Videomaker2000@aol.com





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For my Birthday this year, (April=20 10th) my wife Maria (the = dear)=20 purchased a week of private = lessons at the=20 local health club for me. Since I am = very=20 overweight and out of = shape, I=20 decided it would be a good idea = to go=20 ahead and give it a try. I called the club (Q=20 Sports Club) and made my reservations with a personal trainer = named=20 Tawny, who identified herself as = a 26-year=20 old aerobics instructor and model for=20 athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with = my enthusiasm to get started. The club = encouraged=20 me to keep a diary to chart my = progress.=20

Monday: =

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but = found it=20 was well worth it when I arrived = at the=20 health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess = with=20 blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a = dazzling=20 white smile. WOO WOO!!!) Tawny gave me a tour and = showed me the machines. She took my pulse = after five=20 minutes on the treadmill. She = was alarmed=20 that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to=20 standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching = the skillful way in which she conducted = her=20 aerobics class after my own = workout today.=20 Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already = aching=20 from holding it in the whole = time she was=20 around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: =

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out = of the=20 door. Tawny made me lie on my = back and=20 push a heavy iron bar into the = air...then=20 she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. = Tawny's=20 rewarding smile made it all = worth while. I=20 feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: =

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the = toothbrush on=20 the counter and moving my mouth = back and=20 forth over it. I believe I have a = hernia=20 in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a = Geo in the=20 club lot. Tawny was impatient = with me,=20 insisting that my screams bothered the other club=20 members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the = morning,=20 and when she scolds, she gets = this nasally=20 whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, = so=20 Tawny put me on the stair = monster. (Why in=20 world would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by = elevators?) Tawny=20 told me it would help me get in = shape and=20 enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

Thursday: =

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth = exposed as=20 her thin, cruel lips were pulled = back in a=20 full snarl. (I couldn't help = being a half=20 hour late. It took that long for me to tie my fricking shoes.) Tawny took me to work out = with=20 dumbbells. When she was not = looking, I ran=20 and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the = rowing=20 machine... which I sank.

Friday: =

I hate that WITCH Tawny more than any human being has = ever hated=20 any other human being in the = history of=20 the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic = little=20 cheerleader wanna-be WITCH). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I = would=20 beat her with it. Tawny wanted = me to work=20 on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't = hand me=20 fricking barbells or anything = that weighs=20 more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and = graduated=20 magna cum laude from.) The = treadmill flung=20 me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher.=20 Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or = the  choir director?

Saturday: =

Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her = grating,=20 shrilly voice wondering why I = did not show=20 up today. Just hearing her made me = want to=20 smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote = and ended up=20 watching eleven straight hours = of the=20 weather channel.

Sunday: =

I've found religion and so=20 today I am going to thank God that this week is over. I will also = pray=20 that next year my wife (the = WITCH) will=20 choose a gift for me that is fun...like a root=20 canal or a prostatectomy.

 

Peter, =20 South Florida 

Orchid@ispchannel.com
Videoman@ispchannel.com
Videomaker2000@aol.com=20


 
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