[CH] The Chili Judge
Dave Hendricks (bvdrangs@enter.net)
Sun, 18 Apr 1999 07:06:37 +0000
My son in Texas sent me this story. I found it very funny
and decided to post it. I hope it has not already been
posted and apologize if you have all seen it before.
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The Chili Judge
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured
by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when
you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
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Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
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Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the
front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler
after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that
the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like
Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with
her.
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Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends
call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
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Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something
scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was
standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over
to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and
uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.
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Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded
beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
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Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
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Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. FRANK: You could put a hand
grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost
the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me.
Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm
sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call
the X-F
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Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect
ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence. FRANK: I want my Momma??!!