[CH] FWD: Texas Chili
Sera phim (seraphim@gardener.com)
Sun, 19 Mar 2000 16:27:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Texas Chili
This was sent to me yesterday, and I thought you
guys would get a kick out of it. I'm thinking of
posting it on my site also, if any of you are
interested.
http://www.geocities.com/SeraphimsFates
Notes from an inexperienced Seattle chili taster
named Frank who
was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an
Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person
called in sick at the
last minute and I happened to be standing there at
the judges' table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides they told me I
could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could
remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put flames out.
Hope
that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.
Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbecue flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver while I
shoved my way to the
front
of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick!
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA,
I've located a
!?#@%~#@*_#! uranium spill! My nose feels like I
have been
sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
and got out of my
way so
I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid
pounded me on the back;
now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or
other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to
taste
it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills
so that I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit
the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed
paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her
chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring
beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of
the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I
am worried about
judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth
and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost sight in one eye and
the world sounds like
it
is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered
with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
my autopsy they'll
know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful and
I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll
let
it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see most of it was lost when
Judge number 3 fell and
pulled most of the pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
FRANK: Our Father, who art in heav-
Somehow I don't think too many of the people who
love the chile charisma would react this way.
You guys can't believe the enjoyment I get out of
the mailing list. I hope this gives a taste of it
back.
Linda
Seraphim
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