RE: [CH] FWD: Texas Chili
Mary & Riley McIntire (uGuys@ChileGarden.com)
Fri, 24 Mar 2000 19:46:41 -0800
> Subject: Texas Chili
>
> This was sent to me yesterday, and I thought you
> guys would get a kick out of it. I'm thinking of
> posting it on my site also, if any of you are
> interested.
> http://www.geocities.com/SeraphimsFates
>
This looks like a takeoff of a story I ran across some while ago--here's
the original, anyway, with credit to the author--It is nice to give
credit, tho, imho.
Riley
****************************************
Well, this is one of a short sequence of long jokes. Well, humorous
essays. Well shit! I think they're funny.
This one came from I don't know where. I had it filed under "A story
by a guy named Cameron". I reread the damn thing and thought I'd send
it out, but felt a very slight pang of guilt about this guy named
Cameron.
After all, he'd either gone through hell to write up an experience
like this, or had a vivid imagination and deserved some credit. Or at
least the use of his full name. The most likely alternative is he has
quite an imagination. Obviously he doesn't understand Chili.
Damned if a quick trip to Altavista didn't turn up the original! With
reprint permission to boot. Which kept me from my usual wont to edit
these things--just to increase the readability. Hmmm...
Enjoy, or hit delete and not!
Chili
By W. Bruce Cameron
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure
when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:. Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of
the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a
bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake
tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a
face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to
the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally."
Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake
sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked
if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge
Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and
I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before
it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive
them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through
the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've
found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma...
© W. Bruce Cameron
Permission granted to reprint my column at The Humor and Life, in
Particular Website. WBC
mailto:wbcameron@aol.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/4111/cameron.html
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