[CH] Wolf Brand Chilli
Uncle_Dirty_Dave (xrated@ameritech.net)
Sat, 07 Jul 2001 07:02:34 -0500
A friend sent me this -- and I haven't seen it posted endlessly like the
chilli judge story that everyone ripped-off from Bruce Cameron. I was
amused and you may be too. If not -- save your flames for something
important, like heating up your sense of humour.
Also, I am not a fan of canned chilli except as emergency convenience
food. And if I do eat canned chilli it will be Chilli Man or Ray's with
Cactus Annie's as a third option. Wolf Brand makes me think that it may
have been run through the wolf at least once before being put in the
can.
------------- I duno who wrote this. But, a tip of the hat anyway!
I normally keep Wolf Brand Chili in the cupboard only as a
means of suicide or as a booby trap in case the neighbors
overrun our place after TEOTWAWKI, but I remember consuming
mass quantities of the stuff as a Boy Scout with little
apparent permanent harm.
Having read many posted warnings, and as an adult of sound
mind, I decided to try some of the stuff as an experiment,
just like the good old days.
I remembered step one: Verify availability of toilet paper.
As a scout that meant actually hoarding a roll, but times
are easier now.
While explaining to the wife (who knows not to touch the
stuff) that it actually contains little wolf or wolf
by-products, I opened one 20 oz can (no beans) and dumped
the contents into a glass bowl. (Never use plastic unless
it is rated for strong acids.)
Now, the secret: Add one can of Ranch Style beans as a
propellant to ensure the stuff doesn't stay in your system
for more than six hours, thereby minimizing the exposure to
the toxins in the chili. The chili with beans doesn't work
the same, as the beans have long since been mutated by the
grease. I chose beans with jalipeno, obviously being in a
daring mood.
I placed two slices of plastic synthetic American cheese
food-product-substitute on top as an anti-diarrhea agent and
nuked the mixture for 5 minutes in the microwave, set on
'kill'. The nuke is great since it weakens some of the
already active bacteria. Disclaimer: I wouldn't try this
formula if the power were out and I had to use a gas stove.
Another important step: Rinse out the chili can in hot water
and dispose of it outside, as it is likely to achieve
life-form status itself within 6 hours if not handled
properly.
Finally, the steaming mixture, along with a brewsky, were
ready for consumption. I pretty much slammed the mixture in
ten minutes, much to the disgust of friend-wife. (She was
having broccoli and rice with a nice glass of wine.)
Wow. (Bellllllch!) I checked the toilet paper again in case
a sick joke may have been in play, settled on the recliner
and dialed in CNN. Twas about 18:00.
I remember becoming more horizontal as the news played out,
dreaming about someone named Monica and her mouth... The
dream was rudely interrupted by the wife, who woke me up so
I could go to sleep. (I thought that only happened in the
hospital?)
Strangely, 4 hours had elapsed and no report from the
dinner. Oh well, I checked the toilet paper once again, and
put a magazine and reading glasses in the head. Ready!
About midnight: Start of event. Immediate commentary from
wife, something about 'I knew this was coming...'
About 4 cubic yards (at sea level) of noxious gas were
released over the next two hours, with the jalipeno flavor
actually discernible! Pretty cool. All the appliances in
the house are pilotless, so we should be safe. I warned
that if she shot me, the muzzle blast would ignite the gas
and kill us all. Remember to hide the divorce lawyer's card
in the morning...
Then it happened: The output gate slammed shut with a
shudder, due to a scramble from the liquid-vapor separator!
Not enough cheese-food-product! Oh Noooooooooo!
A quick waddle to the head, turn on the fan, and whoosh!
All rightey, snag the 1984 Gander Mountain catalog and
settle in.
End of event: Twas a four-flusher, and my legs were both
asleep when I tried to stand up. But I was proud, having
survived the test. Still a Boy Scout! Yes!
Besides a little ringing in the right ear and blurred vision
late in the day, I show no signs that it ever happened.
Someone has moved the chili to the back of the cupboard,
and the canned beans seem to all be gone. (She still loves
me!)
I am certainly not suggesting that anybody try anything as
dangerous as my experiment. It makes the vinegar and soda
bomb thread pale by comparison. Save the Wolf Brand as a
last resort. You might not have a pilotless gas stove. Or
you might not have been a Boy Scout...
ENJOY!!!
--------
UNCLE DIRTY DAVE'S KITCHEN --
Home of Yaaaaa Hooooo Aaahhh!!! HOT SAUCE and Hardin Cider