[gardeners] DeDe writes to Uncle Harold Hampton-Court
Cousin DeDe (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Sun, 5 Jul 1998 22:19:36 +0000
Dear Uncle Harold Hampton-Court,
I hope this note finds you better than you was the last time I wrote.
Things ain't been the same in your neck of the world since they cut out
queuing up for the tube. Don't know what a civilized country's coming to
when that happens.
Be that as it may, and I surely don't want to rub any salt in old wounds,
but you know that my branch of the family's been celebrating our
Declaration of Independence from the Home Folks. I always think of you
while we're waving our sparklers and singing our songs about amber waves of
grain and the dawn's early light and figured you was overdue news from your
kinfolk in the Colonies.
Well, here's how it is Uncle. Margaret (no, not the one with the horsey
face that divorced that photographer and then took up with her riding
teacher) is till real active in the anti-vivisection league. A real animal
lover she is. She's got Sparkie, of course, and has gotten herself real
attached to Chatty's big ole bear. I gotta figure a way to let Margaret
know that Quivers be a gal dog, not a boy. I don't want to go using no
questionable language that might give offense to folks that ain't from The
Dog World, so I best just stick to putting Miz in front of Quivers' name. I
don't think I got to go as far as usnig Ms., bears ain't much on being
politically correct, I don't reckon.
And then there's Preacher. Fine man he is. No matter how many bees get into
his bonnet he keeps hisself focused on The Good Book and Carrying the Word.
I'm surely hoping that you can get Preacher an invite to that Westminster
Cathedral place. Why I just know that Preacher would really pack 'em in.
Yes, indeed; that Billy Graham fellow had best move out the way, cause
Preachers on a roll and he's been to seminary, too.
Beulah Mae's been real quiet of late. I worry about that gal. She's got
herself a swimming pool and I got a feeling that she's spending all her
time sunning herself by the water. Probably forgetting to grease up
beforehand, too. Hate to see her get all wrinkled and leather-skinned. Then
again Beulah said something about seeing some kind of great big yeller
flowers popping up in her back yard. She thinks them may be left over from
them green thighs she planted last year. If that be the situation, I think
I better call up the Governor and tell him to rustle up the National Guard,
cause Beulah's gonna need help.
Chatty Cathy's same as she was the last time you and I passed letters.
Still can't get her to shut her mouth. But it keeps her out of more
mischief than she can keep track of, so I guess I can't complain.
Well, Uncle, I got a lot of chores left to do before the Holiday weekend is
over. Got to clean up the mess folks left after they finished their BBQ.
Lot of feuding as well as feeding whenever people get to eating BBQ. Still
got them peculiar 'taters left over. No more watermelon though or I 'd send
you some. I wouldn't send you no flesh mind you. I know that it would be
right spoiled by time it got to you. But I'll poke around and see if I can
find any leftover seeds. We had us a fine spitting contest and Preacher
collected all the seeds that didn't end up in the privy and said he's gonna
use 'em the meeting hall on Bingo nights. If he'll give up a few, I'll send
'em to you. I think some vines would look right pretty covering your
cottage. Take care and don't be too mad that we won the War..'cause some of
your kin lost the next one.
Your 'Murican cousin DeDe.
p,.s. - I know that I ain't said nothing about Cousin Bambi. Well, uncle,
I just don't know where to start. I hear rumors that she's taking up with
some kind of Eye-talian fellow name of Guido. Now, I ain't got nothing
against them Eye-talians....I like me a piece of pizza from time to time
and I'm real fond of anything with eggplant, but I ain't so sure about
this Guido fellow. Wears white ties and never be seeing him behind the
wheel of the same car twice. Most ominous thing is that all them carsI see
Guido driving is new and got the exact same license plate. And he wears
a big old sparkly stone ring on his pinkie finger. Ain't natural for
gentleman to wear that kind of jewelry in these parts. I'm hoping some
member of the family will stand up speak for Guido and put my mind at
ease.