[gardeners] Beulah Mae Replies

Cousin Beulah Mae (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Mon, 6 Jul 1998 16:18:55 +0000

Dear Cousin DeDe, Cousin Belle, Cousin BamBam, Cousin Bambie, Cousin 
Hurrah, and Preacher,

This here is Cousin Beulah Mae checkin in.  I wanna say how sorry I 
am about missing the festivities this weekend.  Lawsy, Lizzie Lu done 
kidnapped me and I was forced to spend the weekend with a guy from 
Viet Nam and with a semite in Spokane and eat Indian food like 
chicken marsalla with bugsy shrubs and stuff.  It was a plumb 
turrible ordeal from which I may never recover I can assure you.  Why 
the thangs that fellow did, Lawsy me, made my skin crawl!  It was 
horrible.  But I ain't inclined to melodrama like some folks around 
here so I ain't gonna say no more.  Wish I had had some regular 
American food like Chatty Cathy's corn and taters even if they didn't 
have no mayo on 'em or Ella Mae's barbecue with red sauce instead of 
being forced to eat communiss food on our star spangled holliday when 
we should have been honoring our veterans who tell us how they almost 
died for us.  But no, I ain't gonna talk about how I begged for some 
watermelon and all I got was a mango lasso.  I shore am proud my 
fambly had a good ole feuding, fussing and flying holyday.

DeDe, honey, what done got into you Etlanta gals?  I mean first that 
Lawndale woman tells me that you done got caught with your hair down 
in the hay loft with Jimbo and Chatty Cathy done started serving 
taters with food coloring and vinegar on 'em?  Ain't yall got no air 
conditioning?  I'm getting mighty worried that the heat wave is 
baking more than just beans.  Please tell me that Cathy done 
repented.  Has the Preacher given her a talking to yet about how the 
devil gits in you when you turn your back on family values like Irish 
taters with pickles and olives and mayo in the salad?  What a 

Aunt Edna, I know that you wuz Aunt Fanny's closest friend and that 
Fanny didn't keep no secrets from you.  Do you know what happened to 
that machine Aunt Fanny was keeping in Chatty Cathy's closet?  I 
think that if we can find it we can help out poor Cousin Belle and 
git her away from that nasty Sherrif Yin.  Iffen we can't then we 
gonna have to send The Preacher to talk to that man.  There ain't 
never been a sweeter voiced woman than Cousin Belle,  Lizzie Lu's 
talk about sassin tongues don't mean nothing and I ain't putting no 
stock in that rumor about her tipplin on the side.  I knowed that 
Cousin Belle would have nothin to do with no goins on in no corn 
patch.  I'm plumb worried about Belle cause she's too dellicate like 
to take much jail.  I done seen that movie "Women in Prison Part III" 
and I am plumb feared for Belle with them nasty wardens like Shirley 
Stoler in that movie.  I hear tell it was all true, too.

About that sharecropper, well, what can I say.  I hear tell that he 
comes from just plain trash and got no class atall.  Not no class 
atall.  I asked him about his mother's people two or three times and 
done got several different stories and they wuz all just tales.  You 
stay away from him cause he's the kind that loves to be sneaky-mean 
and there ain't nothing nastier or more cowardly than sneaky-mean.

Preacher, it shore is a fine thing to be hearing from you.  Sorry 
them bees done caused you to miss the giving of your sermon but maybe 
them bees was sent by God hisself so that you could hold off on that 
fine sermon until next year when I can maybe get there to hear it.  
Iffen Aunt Edna finds that machine maybe we can get your organs 
fixed, too.  Poor Jasmine Yang.  Her story is so sad that it made me 
feel right happy that I had a husband, even if he did used to beat me 
when he got tipsy.  Course, before I divorced him I did use a frying 
pan to learn him how to treat a lady.

I would write more but it's hot and the pool is cool and I got a pain 
in my fanny as a result of the weekend kidnapping so I can't sit too 
long.  Be cathcing up with yall again soon.

Love and Stuff,

Cousin Beulah Mae