[gardeners] Fwd: Fw: WHERES MARTHA?

Margaret Lauterbach (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Thu, 16 Nov 2000 07:47:02 -0700

>Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving
>I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprized.
>Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming I've made a few small changes.
>Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade paper bag luminaries.
>After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleaverly done, rows 
>of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcome effect.
>The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or 
>crystal goblets.
>If possible, we will use the dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.
>Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter 
>Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
>Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I 
>Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand crafted from 
>the finest construction paper.
>The artist assures me it is a turkey.
>We will be dining fashionable late. The children will entertain you while 
>you wait.
>I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made 
>regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.
>Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon 
>discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
>As accompaniment to the childrens recital, I will play a recording of 
>tribal drums.
>If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal 
>drums or that the tribal drums sound suspiciously like a frozen turky in a 
>clothes dryer, ignore them.
>They are lying.
>We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the 
>start of our feast.
>In the end we chose to keep our traditional method.
>We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement.
>When the smoke alarm sounds please gather around the table and sit where 
>you like.
>In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate 
>table. In a separate room.
>Next door.
>Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in 
>front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers.
>This will not be happening at our dinner.
>For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.
>I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the 
>kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check 
>on my progress.
>I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason I 
>will eventually win.
>When I do, we will eat.
>But before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a 
>choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the 
>traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped  cream and small 
>fingerprints. You will have a choice: take it or leave it.
>Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
>She probably won't come next year either.
>I am thankful.
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