> >Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us >plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. > >Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer >women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag. > >Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your >rear end without turning around. > >Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more >like splat! > >Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and >scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will >too!" > >Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control >top flea collar. > >Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you >have to pay someone to look at you naked. > >Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now >sitting on your biggest ones. > >Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your >latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I >have stretch marks?" > >Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still >retain is water. > >The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the >bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.