[gardeners] : Today's chuckle from TX...it's SO true!
penny x stamm (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Sun, 4 Feb 2001 23:56:30 -0500
Life in America's fifth largest city . . .
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS,
or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas
has its own version of traffic rules....hold on and pray.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in
Dallas. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline" or
"You'll cross Beltline" ...which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a
"scenic drive."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening
rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts
Thursday morning and ends Saturday night.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first
one on the starting line, count to five when the light
turns green before going to avoid getting into any
cross-traffic's way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The
same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, also Ross
and Routh Street.
8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and a permanent
form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh,
we're in Fort Worth!!"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is
probably a factory defect, because turn signals are never used.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have
the right of way.
12. Storey Road mysteriously changes names as you cross
intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd......
13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge
of Spanish.
14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four
terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15. A trip across town will take a minimum of four hours,
although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum
speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North
Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
16. The wrought iron on windows in and near Oak Cliff isn't
ornamental.
17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper
sticker that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact,
don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously
guarded God-given right.
18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 75 in a 55
mph zone... people are not waving when they go by.
19. The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.
20. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death"
and "trap."
21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth
Livestock Show is going on.
23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron
Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.
24. Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks,
airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from
EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on
grassy areas.
25. Houston is talked about as if it is in another state or
country.
26. Cars with Oklahoma license plates are always in hunting
season.
.
.
.
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