Re: [CH] Bread

Sunny Conley (sunny@zianet.com)
Sat, 05 Dec 1998 20:03:54 -0700 

There's at least one good thing about bread...eaten before a drinking binge
absorbs the alcohol and thus one is spared of a sizable hangover! Sunny

Celeste or Dave Anderson wrote:

> This message arrived at the same time as 2 pounds of Jim Campbell's
> Red Savina Habanero powder. I think it's time that someone re-posted
> the recipe for "THE BREAD".
>
> Hope you all enjoy this as much as I did.
>
> Dave Anderson
> Tough Love Chile Co.
> http://www.tough-love.com
>
> Recent research on bread (you thought it was an innocent food) has shown
> some startling findings....
>
> 1.   More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
>
> 2.   Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
>       households score below average on standardized tests.
>
> 3.   In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
>       the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
>       infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
>       in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
>       influenza ravaged whole nations.
>
> 4.   More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
>       24 hours of eating bread.
>
> 5.   Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
>       proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
>       suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than
>       that in one month!
>
> 6.   Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
>       incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
>       osteoporosis.
>
> 7.   Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
>       bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as
>       little as two days.
>
> 8.   Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
>       "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
>       cold cuts.
>
> 9.   Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
>        more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could
>        lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
>        product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
>
> 10.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 Degrees
> Fahrenheit!  That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one
> minute.
>
> 11.  Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
>         between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
>         babbling.
>
> In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
> restrictions:
>
> 1.   No sale of bread to minors.
>
> 2.   A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
> spots and bumper stickers.
>
> 3.   A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
>       ills we might associate with bread.
>
> 4.   No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
>       appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
>
> 5.   The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.