[gardeners] OT: texas travel guide
Kay Lancaster (gardeners@globalgarden.com)
Fri, 21 May 1999 10:39:39 -0700 (PDT)
Forward of something from humor@telelists.com
The only thing this damnyankee saw that this piece didn't mention was the
impromptu freeway entrance ramps in west Texas, created by just driving
from a side road across any intervening land onto the interstate. Works
in Houston, too. <vbg>
Kay Lancaster kay@fern.com with friends in Bellville, TX, where
BlueBell ice cream seems to be a religion.
--------------------
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not
buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is
plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either.
The first Texan expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy."
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of
them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is
the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns and
are proficient marksmen...or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
In Texas, we have found that the best way to grow a green lawn is to pour
gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept
them as Texans. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't
call 'em biscuits.